yesterday droppd by tampines met peiling(veda/yr1/marketing one) 2 pass her some comix.
when got home, she was commenting tt i seemed... angry.

i recognized tt i was "made" angry, - meaning erm... think abt it like acute anger- meaning
and event makes u angry, doesnt last long - u dig? as opposed to chronic, mood-type anger-
last long long, walk ard waiting to bite someones head off...

Point- she was rather insistent tt mine was the latter, not the former...
But i dont think ive been feeling tt way.
Tho she commented tt ive seem to lost
the "good humour" tt she saw before.
(heh esp if u think abt humour in the medieval european sense ah- [u noe,
4 substances in the body- melancholy, bile, humour and.....? sanguine? blood? cant remember])

Anyway point is-
ive always regarded honesty as being important
and even recognizing that we all wear masques
in order to get on with like w/o gng insane
ive felt it important to be true to other ppl,
and esp to oneself. Ive been most critical of
ppl on this point.

Perhaps i myself am guilty of hiding the truth from
myself.
I know i have lost some "gd humour"
but thot it simply a result of the bangs n knocks
of experience.

i know im an intense worrier.....
tho i think i pride myself on hiding
tt very well... (or maybe not? ual can expose my misplaced pride?)

i wish i had the fearlessness of childhood.

and no worries pls,
at least i think so....

I caN be a paranoid sonofa#$% too u know!
not just girls have dibs on worrying too much.

on the train back was reading one of me christian living bks
tt havent read in a while...


!!!warning- DO NOT READ FURTHER if not
ready for talk abt pornography/ christian relation to it/ guys relation to it
/ Too much information about me?






n i was thinking also of other day tokking abt
porn wif Vaarni n Pris....

realised, remembered- rediscovered
tt .....
i cant speak for all or even most, tho i strongly suspect
tt their situation was prob similar to mine.

Though i was tokking abt it(porn n my usage of it) rather
nonchalantly (herm theres a better word cant remember)

I Re- membered tt my initial experiences wif porn material
(my cousins computer i think)
was as such:

an automatic excitement and attraction,
and a desire to see more
but at the same time, automatically Knowing
tt this was not something u would want ur mum,
or any one else for the matter knowing u looked at...

Point is....
for me, i Realised on the train i couldnt talk about
porn/ or my use of it to other people
while admitting at the same time that it is
something extremely undesirable, unhealthy, yet attractive
(and i dun mean the intellectual realization)
and that for me, it was an activity
that could only be talked abt after years and
years of prolonged exposure and experience-
until it became something of a badge of honour
(or manhood?)

while i m pretty sure Most guys do peruse pornography
perhaps it is a misnomer to merely brush it off
as "just something guys do...."

Y this semi-confession of sorts?
mmm i think it is because i feel some sort of mental clarity right now
and writing just feels good...
and i do wish to enlighten wat i suspect most guys experience.
But do not presume
tt others see this the way i do.

i remember reading my other, paper diary of sorts a while back
and most of the emotional ups and downs had a lot to do
with my problems/ struggles with my christian faith and experience in life

I had one such period of mental conflict in yr 1,
and it has left me... nowhere....
i think. i think i am neither here nor there
but i remember having the thought "i give up, i leave it behind for now"

perhaps wat i write now u cannot understand, but gd if u do.

to explain-
Some people regard "being christian" as simply
going to church. Fufilling rituals . and the like

I was taught many things
and i think i latched on too strongly to the Other extreme-
that "being christian" was PROVEN by ur lifestyle
and not a NAME or LABEL.

what a fool i am

i thought if i said "i give up now, i cant be a christian any more now,
ill be back later, maybe."
that in doing so, i was being honest wif myself.
i think i was right
but i forget tt people do not know wat i think.
tt u cant switch and off "being christian"
or being whatever.

i am ashamed and regretful
yet i do not feel remorse i do not feel "bad"
enough.

i do not know what difference will this moment of epiphany(sudden enlightenment)
will change.
I remember fr a book i think prozac nation tt i thought just like the heroine
tt life would be a series of receiving insights
and one day one special insight would come
and life would be all peachy after.

but niet.
reality is not as such.

feelings wax and wane.

we move on.

gd night ladies...

morngzzz ladies n gents,
my papers R oveR... anticlimatic perhaps but
there u have it.
Found somethin old i had lieing ard in a txt file
here it is:

day by day the life i lead is a
search, a search for things to distract from ...
something.

running away from troubleS?
what troubles?

From having to do what i know to be the fruitful but tiresome way of living?

too much food is a distraction.....
enjoy it, appreciate it, but not make it a constant goal to strive for with which to occupy time-

everything is a distraction?



NOt good for me to have too much free
time i think



2 things due tml

1)study test
2)research dyslexia website


Know what God is like (Ex. 34:4-7; Jn. 4:24).
Know what God loves (Ps. 37:28; 146:8; Jn. 14:23; 15:9; 2 Cor. 9:7).
Know what God hates (Ps. 5:5; Prov. 6:16-19; Isa. 61:8).
Know who Christ is (Isa. 9:6; Jn. 1:1-14; 8:58; Rom. 1:3-4; Heb. 1:1-14; Rev. 1:5,17-18).
Know what Christ did for you (Isa. 53:1-12; Mt. 20:28; Jn. 10:11; Rom. 4:25; 1 Cor. 15:3-4; 1 Pet. 1:17-21; 1 Jn. 2:2; Rev. 1:5-6).
Know who you are in Christ (Eph. 1:3-14).
Know your spiritual resources (2 Pet. 1:3-4).
Know the importance of prayer (Phil. 4:6-7; Jas. 4:2-3; 5:16-18).
Know the importance of fellowship in a church (Heb. 10:24-25).
Know the importance of telling others about Christ (Mt. 28:19; Acts 1:8).


dun ask me where i got the verse refs.. no idea
cant rem when i wrote tt also

always weird re-reading on stuff....
doesnt feel like its U/me ?

hey thi mostlyy carthartic i think......
luv u aalll byezzzz